Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
