I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
