I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
