Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
