Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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