You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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