my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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