Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
