I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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