its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
