oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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