I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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