Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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