just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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