I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
