Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
