mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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