I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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