I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
