one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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