hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
