I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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