If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
