good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
smell my finger.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I am available for nakedness
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