i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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