She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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