martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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