I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
