i already hear my dad disowning me
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Randomize
