Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
