I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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