I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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