this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
