I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
