I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
