On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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