I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
