So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
