Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm getting married
To pizza
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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