can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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