so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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