I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
