How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
