final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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