shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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