My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize