Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I think my fart just growled at me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
