Where did you get a picture of my penis
Screwed.edu
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
