Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize