Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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