She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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