So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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