I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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