i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
